a safety announcement

beware the leafy trail...

Well hello there. Off for a run? Good for you! Running is a terrific activity in which to partake. It’s benefits to you are numerous, diverse, and well known. But did you know that running can also be dangerous?

Hazards abound while running–they too come in diverse forms and various proportions. In the safety community, we like to give a number to activities that expose you to said hazards. We call this number the safety index.

During your runs, you may grow adventurous, or “run out” of space to “run in.” Consequently you may decide to cross the street. Crossing the street has a safety index of -3. When crossing the street, it’s wise to send one person as a scout to test the conditions. If the scout makes it halfway across the road without being run over, it’s probably safe for the herd to mobilize. Always treat roadways with the respect they deserve. Remember–they are Antelope Gorge from Lion King, and you are a small and vulnerable Simba, trying desperately not to get trampled.

Bad running form is another serious, and often overlooked, safety hazard. Depending on severity, bad running form can reach a safety index of down to -37. If someone you’re with demonstrates poor form while running, you should criticize and ridicule them until they resolve to good form. If other teammates are nearby, make sure they partake in the mocking. There’s nothing like mean-spirited peer pressure to straighten out crooked feet. No need to feel bad about teasing, or worry about the offender’s self esteem–after all, it’s for their own safety.

Finally, we must address the Fall season’s mother of all running safety hazards–leafy trails. While fallen leaves may appear a fun, colorful, and innocent constituent of the seasonal foliage, they are actually conniving, pernicious little bastards. They are there to camouflage the rogue tree roots, hazardous holes, and menacing monkey balls that pervade the trail system. Do not be fooled. Their objective is to make you fall and die so that your flesh can rot into the ground and provide nutrients to the menacing arboreal machines from which they are manufactured. Leafy trails have a safety index of -52000. If you decide to run on trails, be cautious about your footing, always run with a partner, and remember to leaf no runner behind.

If you follow said cautionary advice, you will probably not die. This has been a public safety announcement from Safety Officer. Thank you for listening, and stay safe!

There’s one last thing we should address. That’s right–you guessed it–it’s the elephant in the room. Keeping elephants indoors is unadvised, and holds a safety index of -58. Elephants are large, powerful creatures, and while they may harbor kind hearts, all it takes is an untimely gun shot noise to send the beast crashing through the walls.